[ She's still there, but all he can do is continue to prepare himself for the inevitability of her asking to be brought back to her balcony. Like with his uncle, he doesn't believe he deserves to be forgiven for the things he did, but there isn't anything he can do to change what's happened.
The question about his father catches him by surprise though he knows it shouldn't, and his somber expression recovers itself swiftly, looking away and choosing not to read into the way she stood. ]
I was invited to a meeting with his generals - my first one - and I spoke out of turn.
[ There was more to it than that. He knows it, and he reminds himself that if he can put it all into words and throw it in his father's face, he can give Alayne the courtesy of the whole truth too. ]
One of his generals planned to use a less experienced unit as bait for an attacking army and send more experienced troops in from the rear, sacrificing the first unit. I told him that was dishonorable - those people were loyal Fire Nation soldiers, but it wasn't my place to say. My father was furious and told me that since I had spoken out of turn in his war room I had been disrespectful and would have to fight an Agni Kai.
[ Zuko raised his head and looked at her intently. ] That's a duel for honor. The loser is the one who gets burned.
[ He's certain she knows where this is going. ]
I was prepared to face the general, I wasn't afraid, but instead, I turned and I saw my father. I didn't want to fight my father. I begged him. He told me I was a coward.
[ Falling silent he lifted a hand, gesturing at the burned portion of his face to finish his thought. ]
[ Upon first hearing that he was crown prince, it would be easy to compare him to Joffrey, but that alone was where the similarities ended. He had been manipulated by a tyrant and done cruel things, but it sounds to her that he had always a distinct sense of honor. A foolhardy sense, perhaps... Petyr would probably consider it a weakness; something to be used.
There's a pain in her chest, though, when she finally hears the source of his horrible facial scar. It's as if a vice were pinching at her heart, little by little, and she lifts a hand to press to her breast as if that might ease the tension within. ]
For that alone, your own father did this to you?
[ It is even worse than The Hound's own brother burning his face. She has seen monsters, but even those monsters loved their children. Even Cersei did. Perhaps Joffrey would have been incapable, had he been given the opportunity to be a father. She imagines he would be more like Zuko's own father, and that twists something deep inside of her. For Zuko to have remained loyal to his father even after such a betrayal only showed how deeply it must have hurt; how he must have craved affection. Alayne counts herself lucky in this... Her father is sweet to her. ...Sansa's father was sweet to her.
Stepping closer, she reaches out for his hand this time with one of her own, her fingertips brushing against his wrist as she pushes back his sleeve to see the hint of blue still wrapped, as if it were a charm. He would not still wear it if it did not mean something. He craves acceptance. I have become important to him. He is baring his heart.
She hears Petyr then. She hears Cersei. You could break it if you wish. It would be so easy. You could keep it close; you could use it. She blinks rapidly in a breath's time, silencing the voices. No matter what, she doesn't wish to see him in more pain. Not because he can protect her, but because she would endeavor to protect him. She may not be able to wield fire, but she has other powers.
Tipping her head back, she tilts it to be certain that she has his gaze locked with hers, and cautiously lifts a hand to his face. It hesitates just near, expecting him to flinch as her fingers begin to curl in, and then she fans them out to cradle his cheek, gently caressing the burn scar with her thumb.
He knows regret...and sorrow... He is no monster, that is for certain. And he's certainly not what his father believed. ]
You are no coward. You are brave, and I think you have always been brave. Too, you have suffered. I would see this pain lifted, so that you may know peace.
[ Answering her question about his father with a silent nod, Zuko watched her approach - studying her as if he were trying to determine how she saw him now with nearly everything laid out in the open.
When she reaches for his wrist his eyes dart down, curious until he caught sight of the ribbon. Zuko had not known what to make of it when Alayne first pushed the ribbon into his hand before he had charged off to do his part in keeping the Huntress moving and distracted - but he rarely went without it now.
Afterward part of him wondered if she didn't expect him to give it back to her, but it had never come up, and he had gotten used to wearing it. He liked it. It was oddly comforting, just like Alayne was. She was intense and pensive, but he's pretty sure he can still see some gentleness there beneath the regal, quiet way she moved through her day.
Without letting himself think about it Zuko turned his head just enough to lean into her touch, lingering there for a long, silent moment. ]
Alayne, I've made a lot of mistakes. [ His voice is hushed when he speaks again, reaching up to lift her hand away from his cheek so that he can hold it instead. ]
It took me a long time to realize that my father couldn't restore my honor for me, and on the way, I hurt a lot of people.
[ He didn't know where he was going with this, and the way his eyes widened ever so slightly, lit with a brief twinge of panic betrayed that, but he forced himself to continue to try and pick his way through to what he was trying to tell her. ]
If you want to go back down to your room, I understand, and if things have to change now– [ Change from what? What had things become? He didn't know, but at the same time he did. Zuko hoped she knew too. Maybe she didn't. Maybe this was making more of a mess. ]
I understand that too. [ Somehow he didn't lose the momentum of his voice, though his shoulders sagged as he went quiet, unsure and losing his nerve. ]
[ Try as she might to silence the whispers of past advisors, Alayne can still hear her own voice in her head, hissing about how foolish she's being. Foolish and cruel. She may be doing everything she can to calculate her safety and current happiness, but she knows it is temporary, and everything will be terrible when her own truths are inevitably revealed. Sansa is married. Alayne is to be married. She should not risk anything like a passing fancy, should she? There is nothing that Zuko can do to help her future, and the future is what she ought to always be planning for. It's that little reminder that holds back the honesty he deserves. It would do nothing but cause pain for herself; possibly frustration for him. It's selfish, she knows this; To take pleasure where she can when horror tries so very much to haunt her and her party of outsiders. For the moment, she doesn't want to fear her future, no matter what Jon recently told her of.
The news he has shared has surprised her, but has it really changed her feelings? Alayne feels almost relieved that he isn't a commoner, even if her history with royalty is monstrous. If anything, she has a more reserved respect for where he's come from and what he's been through. She thinks the kindness he's shown her is even grander, to know that life tried it's utmost to breed him in cruelty.
He deserves something for that. Enough that he won't think of her as cold, perhaps, but she's careful with her phrasing. ]
...Everyone makes mistakes. You are not the only one who has learned lessons whilst causing pain for others. What matters is that you were not defeated and have embraced who you really are. For this much, I think perhaps you are one of the most honorable men I have yet known.
[ That much isn't a lie, even as she tiptoes around the rest. Despite his cruel beginnings, she thinks of other honorable men she has known. She wonders what Jon would think of him. She wonders...what Eddard Stark might think of his journey.
Her fingers curl in, gently clasping his hand back and giving a little squeeze of encouragement. ]
And I am so very glad that you have shared your true self with me. If anything ought to change, should it not be for the better? I have no wish to leave, unless you want me to.
[ She hates herself in this moment. She hates herself so much. Her smile doesn't show it. ]
[ While Alayne spoke, Zuko watched her and silently did his best to tamp down the rising fear that he had shared too much. He wasn't in the habit of laying out his mistakes like that, even among Aang and the rest of the group - they all knew what he'd done, or some of it, there had not been a need to rehash it all like there was in order to answer Alayne's questions as he had.
In Ba Sing Se he had lived a different life, and here, surrounded by strangers it would have been easy to do that all over again, but Zuko didn't want to hide anymore, as harrowing as it was to come clean.
Without realizing it, he had been staring, taking in the chilly shade of her eyes and the curve of her lips without really meaning to. His throat went dry and though he told himself that it was from the anxiety telling the truth brought with it.
His shoulders sagged when she said she didn't want to go, but that relief was mixed with concern. Some part of him, aware of how much of himself he had laid bare for her, almost wanted her to ask to leave. It would have given him the chance to clear his head.
Instead, clarity was thin on the ground and he found himself willingly forsaking the want of it for her kind words, and the way she looked at him. ]
I– [ Again he took in the look on her face, and again he found himself losing track of the seconds, his focus returning to her lips as the truly insane idea of kissing her bounced around the forefront of his mind, uninvited and unnerving. ]
I'm glad you don't want to leave.
[ Zuko felt himself bowing slightly like a fool before he stepped back to go sit down again, putting some space between them as he picked up his tea and reheated it once more. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2021-12-05 03:27 am (UTC)The question about his father catches him by surprise though he knows it shouldn't, and his somber expression recovers itself swiftly, looking away and choosing not to read into the way she stood. ]
I was invited to a meeting with his generals - my first one - and I spoke out of turn.
[ There was more to it than that. He knows it, and he reminds himself that if he can put it all into words and throw it in his father's face, he can give Alayne the courtesy of the whole truth too. ]
One of his generals planned to use a less experienced unit as bait for an attacking army and send more experienced troops in from the rear, sacrificing the first unit. I told him that was dishonorable - those people were loyal Fire Nation soldiers, but it wasn't my place to say. My father was furious and told me that since I had spoken out of turn in his war room I had been disrespectful and would have to fight an Agni Kai.
[ Zuko raised his head and looked at her intently. ] That's a duel for honor. The loser is the one who gets burned.
[ He's certain she knows where this is going. ]
I was prepared to face the general, I wasn't afraid, but instead, I turned and I saw my father. I didn't want to fight my father. I begged him. He told me I was a coward.
[ Falling silent he lifted a hand, gesturing at the burned portion of his face to finish his thought. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-05 04:01 am (UTC)There's a pain in her chest, though, when she finally hears the source of his horrible facial scar. It's as if a vice were pinching at her heart, little by little, and she lifts a hand to press to her breast as if that might ease the tension within. ]
For that alone, your own father did this to you?
[ It is even worse than The Hound's own brother burning his face. She has seen monsters, but even those monsters loved their children. Even Cersei did. Perhaps Joffrey would have been incapable, had he been given the opportunity to be a father. She imagines he would be more like Zuko's own father, and that twists something deep inside of her. For Zuko to have remained loyal to his father even after such a betrayal only showed how deeply it must have hurt; how he must have craved affection. Alayne counts herself lucky in this... Her father is sweet to her. ...Sansa's father was sweet to her.
Stepping closer, she reaches out for his hand this time with one of her own, her fingertips brushing against his wrist as she pushes back his sleeve to see the hint of blue still wrapped, as if it were a charm. He would not still wear it if it did not mean something. He craves acceptance. I have become important to him. He is baring his heart.
She hears Petyr then. She hears Cersei. You could break it if you wish. It would be so easy. You could keep it close; you could use it. She blinks rapidly in a breath's time, silencing the voices. No matter what, she doesn't wish to see him in more pain. Not because he can protect her, but because she would endeavor to protect him. She may not be able to wield fire, but she has other powers.
Tipping her head back, she tilts it to be certain that she has his gaze locked with hers, and cautiously lifts a hand to his face. It hesitates just near, expecting him to flinch as her fingers begin to curl in, and then she fans them out to cradle his cheek, gently caressing the burn scar with her thumb.
He knows regret...and sorrow... He is no monster, that is for certain. And he's certainly not what his father believed. ]
You are no coward. You are brave, and I think you have always been brave. Too, you have suffered. I would see this pain lifted, so that you may know peace.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-06 06:29 am (UTC)When she reaches for his wrist his eyes dart down, curious until he caught sight of the ribbon. Zuko had not known what to make of it when Alayne first pushed the ribbon into his hand before he had charged off to do his part in keeping the Huntress moving and distracted - but he rarely went without it now.
Afterward part of him wondered if she didn't expect him to give it back to her, but it had never come up, and he had gotten used to wearing it. He liked it. It was oddly comforting, just like Alayne was. She was intense and pensive, but he's pretty sure he can still see some gentleness there beneath the regal, quiet way she moved through her day.
Without letting himself think about it Zuko turned his head just enough to lean into her touch, lingering there for a long, silent moment. ]
Alayne, I've made a lot of mistakes. [ His voice is hushed when he speaks again, reaching up to lift her hand away from his cheek so that he can hold it instead. ]
It took me a long time to realize that my father couldn't restore my honor for me, and on the way, I hurt a lot of people.
[ He didn't know where he was going with this, and the way his eyes widened ever so slightly, lit with a brief twinge of panic betrayed that, but he forced himself to continue to try and pick his way through to what he was trying to tell her. ]
If you want to go back down to your room, I understand, and if things have to change now– [ Change from what? What had things become? He didn't know, but at the same time he did. Zuko hoped she knew too. Maybe she didn't. Maybe this was making more of a mess. ]
I understand that too. [ Somehow he didn't lose the momentum of his voice, though his shoulders sagged as he went quiet, unsure and losing his nerve. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-21 05:57 am (UTC)The news he has shared has surprised her, but has it really changed her feelings? Alayne feels almost relieved that he isn't a commoner, even if her history with royalty is monstrous. If anything, she has a more reserved respect for where he's come from and what he's been through. She thinks the kindness he's shown her is even grander, to know that life tried it's utmost to breed him in cruelty.
He deserves something for that. Enough that he won't think of her as cold, perhaps, but she's careful with her phrasing. ]
...Everyone makes mistakes. You are not the only one who has learned lessons whilst causing pain for others. What matters is that you were not defeated and have embraced who you really are. For this much, I think perhaps you are one of the most honorable men I have yet known.
[ That much isn't a lie, even as she tiptoes around the rest. Despite his cruel beginnings, she thinks of other honorable men she has known. She wonders what Jon would think of him. She wonders...what Eddard Stark might think of his journey.
Her fingers curl in, gently clasping his hand back and giving a little squeeze of encouragement. ]
And I am so very glad that you have shared your true self with me. If anything ought to change, should it not be for the better? I have no wish to leave, unless you want me to.
[ She hates herself in this moment. She hates herself so much. Her smile doesn't show it. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 11:42 pm (UTC)In Ba Sing Se he had lived a different life, and here, surrounded by strangers it would have been easy to do that all over again, but Zuko didn't want to hide anymore, as harrowing as it was to come clean.
Without realizing it, he had been staring, taking in the chilly shade of her eyes and the curve of her lips without really meaning to. His throat went dry and though he told himself that it was from the anxiety telling the truth brought with it.
His shoulders sagged when she said she didn't want to go, but that relief was mixed with concern. Some part of him, aware of how much of himself he had laid bare for her, almost wanted her to ask to leave. It would have given him the chance to clear his head.
Instead, clarity was thin on the ground and he found himself willingly forsaking the want of it for her kind words, and the way she looked at him. ]
I– [ Again he took in the look on her face, and again he found himself losing track of the seconds, his focus returning to her lips as the truly insane idea of kissing her bounced around the forefront of his mind, uninvited and unnerving. ]
I'm glad you don't want to leave.
[ Zuko felt himself bowing slightly like a fool before he stepped back to go sit down again, putting some space between them as he picked up his tea and reheated it once more. ]